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Is there such a thing as justified homicide? Well, when it comes to horror films there certainly is. No one wants to see a picture’s most offensive, annoying or ignorant character make it to see the credits roll. They don’t deserve that kind of treatment. But sometimes it seems filmmakers really want to mess with our heads, leading the loathsome down a path of fortune. Do these characters really resonate on paper? Is this actor a friend of the director? These seem about the only logical reasons why you’d allow someone who – by all horror rights – should die a gruesome death make it all the way to the end. Whatever the reason, filmmakers have a tendency to grant the least likely survivor the right of existence. It may not be a total common practice, but it happens. Below is a list of 13 characters who definitely shouldn’t have made it our act 2 in one piece, let alone an entire film!
Scream 2 – Deputy Dewey
Deputy Dewey Riley was an awesome character. A goofball by nature, there’s something strangely heroic about this bumbling fellow. It’s quite obvious Wes Craven saw the same thing so many others have, because in all honesty, there’s no way Dewey should have ever survived the second Scream flick. Making it through one brush with death should have sufficed, but Craven has instead opted to keep Dewey around for all four Scream pictures. At some point one of the focal trio (Sidney, Dewey and Gale) have got to go. I’ll vote for the only male of the group.
The Highlander series – Connor MacLeod
Seriously, how in the world did Connor MacLeod survive multiple Highlander films? This guy engages in heated sword play in which the only goal is to decapitate one’s opponent. Sure Connor’s got mad skills with the blade, but come on, even the best competitors show up on an off day. MacLeod didn’t even have the luxury of scheduled combat, this guy could come home after a tiring 12 hour day and be met by some random immortal bad ass in search of another trophy. It’s a tough way to live, but hey what can I say? There can be only one!
Halloween: Resurrection – Freddie Harris
I still think my mind plays tricks on me whenever I watch this one. Busta Rhymes in a horror flick? Okay, not completely out of the realm of possibility. Busta Rhymes in a horror flick, and not only does he survive, he’s the hero?! No effing way! Yes, believe it or not Busta makes it to the final reel, beats the living shit out of Michael Myers and cruises away, the bad ass hero addicted to Dangertainment. Unreal.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer – Karla
You want to talk stale, boring, waste of space supporting characters? Let’s bring I Still Know What You Did Last Summer’s, Karla into the discussion. Sorry Brandy, you’re an uninspired, wooden actress who dropped the ball in a film that had no hope of reaching the endzone anyway. Should we even care about this miserable performance? Nah. But, what’s a list of this nature without a Jennifer Love Hewitt pic making its way onto the list? There’s no real logic behind Karla’s survival here, but director Danny Cannon ultimately decided Karla deserved to see the credits roll. At least he made sure Jack Black’s character died a violent death.
The Cabin in the Woods – Marty
Technically, this super-stoner probably dies when that giant “god” surfaces moments after our final glimpse of The Cabin in the Woods’ two death defying youngsters, Dana and Marty. That doesn’t really matter, we’re not following the rules to a T today. When all is said and done, Marty makes it all the way to the end of the film, and he probably should have been ripped apart by one of those strange zombies in the picture’s earlier goings. Stoners don’t survive horror flicks! No matter how awesome this dude was, it would have been marginally more enjoyable had he been treated to wildly over the top death scene.
The Crazies (2010) – Judy
Radha Mitchell is one of those interesting performers who sometimes hits a homerun, and sometimes strikes out every time she approaches home plate. Sadly, The Crazies – which was an otherwise excellent remake – is one of those instances in which the Australian looker phones in a shitty performance. Her character, Judy just seems totally detached from the production. There’s no believable emotion here, and given the wild outbreak that’s sweeping through the quaint little town of Ogden Marsh, you’d think she’d exhibit just a hint of feeling. Something...some...thing...please for the love of believability! Nope. Should’ve gotten the axe from those psycho hillbillies at the gas station.
The Fog (2005) – Everyone
Everything about this remake was terrible. Okay, that’s not entirely true, there’s a decent (at best) cast attached, but they’ve got a horrific script to work with. Throw in some of the worst special effects you’ve ever seen in a mainstream release and a complete lack of creativity just for kicks and what you’ve got is a film that’s damn near guaranteed to put you in a brief coma. Really, it’s hard to stay awake through this one. Everyone who enters frame should’ve met a nasty demise. Maybe turning it into a slaughter fest could’ve provided some degree of entertainment.
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare – Tracy
If there’s one thing in a woman that your typical man doesn’t want, it’s extremely unnecessary volume. There’s something deeply repelling about a loudmouthed woman (I imagine women would echo that sentiment about man, understandably), and when you’re forced to deal with one in a film you’ve got high hopes for, it really sucks. Enough to completely spoil a ridiculously silly but strangely enjoyable horror flick. Just ask Lezlie Deane, who screams her way throughFreddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, killing any hope for a little fun. And that’s really all you can hope for with a film like this, because it’s a pretty miserable film in general. You want to be able to laugh at something here, the only problem is you can’t even hear your own laughter over this obnoxious broad. Why, oh why does she survive this ordeal?
Final Destination 3 – Kevin Fischer
It may sound crazy, but I kind of liked (as much as I could like anything about this film) Kevin Fischer. He was a sound counter to Mary Elisabeth Winstead’s character, Wendy Christensen. The fact that I liked him is actually the reason he lands on this list. It would have been far more jolting had director James Wong (not to be confused with James Wan) offed this co-lead, onscreen. Sure the big setup for Kevin’s death waits just before the film’s credits, but eh, that feels like cheating. We deserved more than a premonition focused on Kev’s death, we deserved the “real” thing.
Event Horizon – Justin
Okay, maybe I’m crazy, or maybe I completely missed something somewhere... or hell, maybe it was edited right out of the film (this one was shot on an extremely tight schedule), but did Paul W.S. Anderson completely forget about “Baby Bear” in Event Horizon? This dude is hanging out, functioning as an effective member of a crew in one minute, sucked into a trippy portal the next, trapped in an airlock with blood oozing out of every cranial orifice the next, and then... gone. Huh?Is someone playing a joke here? Justin basically disappears after being stuck in stasis and then that’s that. If you’re going to make a guy disappear, do it with a bang. In fact, yeah, an explosion would have been awesome!
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Sally Hardesty
Seeing Sally survive The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has always been somewhat perplexing. On one hand you’ve got Tobe Hooper showing up to deliver an ultra-violent film that stressed every censorship board in existence; on the other you’ve got Tobe Hooper deciding to show some morality (for lack of a better term) by allowing one character to survive a situation she wouldn’t likely survive. Come on, there’s no way in hell this chick makes it through this insanity. It’s just not happening. Shame on Mr. Hooper for pulling back on the reins in the waning moments of TCSM. If you’re going to go above and beyond to make an outlandishly offensive violence fest, then do it 100-percent, not 90.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006) - Doug Bukowski
You can’t just make the dork the hero. That’s wrong... it’s so wrong! Doug is a goofball from the jump, and he never once really grows on viewers due to his penchant for making shitty decisions. Even after the dude’s experienced living Hell he still hesitates when he should be acting. As a hardcore fan, Doug’s actions are extremely bothersome. I can see allowing Bobby to live, he’s just a stupid kid who shouldn’t be expected to make the right call every time a hairy situation arises, but Doug gets no pass. He’s annoying, not in the least bit likable and foolish in the dire moments. How does that dude walk away from a group of deformed, violent psychos?
Anaconda – Danny Rich
I’ve always liked Ice Cube. I’m not entirely certain of why he’s been able to do what few others have, transition from successful musician to successful thespian, but he did it. To be honest, I even enjoyed his work in this campy little treat. But the fact of the matter is, Cube should have met his demise in Anaconda. It seems unlikely that any of the players in this picture would actually survive an encounter with the world’s largest snake, but letting J. Lo live to see the credits makes sense, she’s smoking hot. Letting the camera operator survive? Unheard of! Cube may be an awesome guy (and he actually really is, even when the cameras aren’t rolling), but he should have made for another meal for the titular beast.
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